tw mental health – darknesstohislight

i was having a bad mental health day and decided to overshare online what’s new

u know those times when depression hits really bad and its hard to get yourself to even move does anyone have any tips what do i do because it’s been 3 hours and ive just been staring at the wall and everything feels so hard and my room is a disgusting mess and i should clean it up but everything is so hard i just want to cry and sleep my life away how am i supposed to fix this

here comes another ocd flare up just when I thought i was doing fine 😊😊😊😊

My ocd has been acting up, my depression is back, my anxiety is a constant thing in any case, i still don’t have a job and haven’t found any friends since i’ve moved to london, my ocd doubts are trying to convince me my boyfriend doesn’t love me, i’m full of insecurities so overall life is going great

i wish i could just eat food like normal people and not feel sick half of the time just at the thought of it, it’s a struggle for me to eat more than twice per day

Source: noctivagantdust

i’m literally losing control over my life again. also i realized the better i get along with my boyfriend the worse i am because my anxiety just rises sky high when i’m actually happy with someone. and on friday i went out with my boyfriend and his friends and the moment i got some alcohol in my system i started freaking out but i kept trying to hide it and somehow that led to the point where i had a panic attack at 2am in the middle of the club and then broke down to my boyfriend about how i don’t want him to think that im insane and how he deserves a normal girlfriend. and obviously he doesnt understand and just ended up lecturing me how “i get too drunk” which didn’t really make me feel better. literally though, ive been so bad with taking care of my self and ive been so unhealthy like im literally failing at keeping it together and its scaring me.

so far today i’ve stress vomitted in the morning, skipped all my lectures, put the curtains down in my room and have not left it the whole day, only had medium anxiety about my boyfriend secretly hating me, had an argument with my flatmates told them i dont give a shit and to fuck off, have not eaten, literally have not moved from my bed

its really been a great day

i can feel myself getting depressed again and everything was going so perfectly for me a month ago which just makes it worse. and i’ve been taking out on my boyfriend, like i would just wake up and start crying “for no reason” and then i can’t tell him what’s wrong and i feel like thats making things weird between us and he means the world to me so it just makes me feel worse. and it got to the point that i’ve irrationally convinced myself that he secretly can’t stand me and doesn’t want me around anymore and even though everyone is convincing me i’m being crazy and irrational i can’t help myself but just be miserable and anxious all the time i’ve been crying every day for the past week and a half and i’m just making things worse

i’ve been back in england for uni for exactly a week now and in this 7 days my mood already drastically dropped, i’ve again started having problems to even get out of bed in the morning or u know shower and stuff and started having panic attacks again as well as feeling paranoid about super irrational stuff, not to mention that within a week i managed to lose a noticeable amount of weight which ofc consequentially also killed my self-esteem

i’ve been so happy over the summer about how much i improved in terms of my mental health and dealing with anxiety and now i see myself going back to where i was before and the worst part is that i have no fucking clue why being at uni does this to me