Tag: personal

i’m literally losing control over my life again. also i realized the better i get along with my boyfriend the worse i am because my anxiety just rises sky high when i’m actually happy with someone. and on friday i went out with my boyfriend and his friends and the moment i got some alcohol in my system i started freaking out but i kept trying to hide it and somehow that led to the point where i had a panic attack at 2am in the middle of the club and then broke down to my boyfriend about how i don’t want him to think that im insane and how he deserves a normal girlfriend. and obviously he doesnt understand and just ended up lecturing me how “i get too drunk” which didn’t really make me feel better. literally though, ive been so bad with taking care of my self and ive been so unhealthy like im literally failing at keeping it together and its scaring me.

my boyfriend during the week: “im staying home this weekend because i want to see you and hang out with you rather than going out”

my boyfriend when the weekend comes: “oh im probably going out with the guys tonight… what do you mean we were supposed to hang out? we’re together all the time!”

dont get me wrong hes really great but this is literally our conversation every single time and its just annoying af bc then i feel stupid and clingy

so i got ill and i have fever and im dizzy and my throat is all swollen so it hurts to speak or eat BASICALLY Im in pain and my flatmates are being assholes to me and i was just talking to my friend about me feeling shit and he was like “just stop whining and get your shit together i don’t believe you feel that bad” yeah thanks for your input k bye

so far today i’ve stress vomitted in the morning, skipped all my lectures, put the curtains down in my room and have not left it the whole day, only had medium anxiety about my boyfriend secretly hating me, had an argument with my flatmates told them i dont give a shit and to fuck off, have not eaten, literally have not moved from my bed

its really been a great day 

i can feel myself getting depressed again and everything was going so perfectly for me a month ago which just makes it worse. and i’ve been taking out on my boyfriend, like i would just wake up and start crying “for no reason” and then i can’t tell him what’s wrong and i feel like thats making things weird between us and he means the world to me so it just makes me feel worse. and it got to the point that i’ve irrationally convinced myself that he secretly can’t stand me and doesn’t want me around anymore and even though everyone is convincing me i’m being crazy and irrational i can’t help myself but just be miserable and anxious all the time i’ve been crying every day for the past week and a half and i’m just making things worse