Tag: personal

I was just casually listening to sad music and being a crybaby and then all of the sudden a big spider jumped on my hand and i freaked out but then i got all fearless out of nowhere and i tried to catch it but it ran away and hid under my bed and i  had already given up BUT THEN SUDDENLY IT REAPPEARED ON MY WALL AND I KILLED IT I KILLED A SPIDER BY MYSELF OMG IM SO PROUD OF ME

yesterday was my last day of high school and in the evening some of my friends decided to go to my ex’s house and somehow i ended up going with them. anyway it was too weird for me to be there with him, so i went on the balcony alone and i cried a little and then he showed up and it was really awkward because it was obvious i cried and then he tried to talk to me about everything that happened between us and kept saying stuff like “ohhh i remember the last time you were here…” and he just kept trying to get me to say that i still loved him and i just got pissed that im not having this conversation again (bc it usually ends with us hooking up again, which i’m pretty sure is what he wanted) and it was soooo dumb the entire thing because despite him trying to make us okay, he couldn’t say anything that i needed to hear like that he’s sorry or that he misses me or loves me or anything THAT WOULD ACTUALLY MEAN SOMETHING, but he just kept trying to get that out of me even though he was the one who fucked it all up. because of that, i then didn’t try to make anything happen between us again (even though i wanted to in that moment bc i miss him like crazy) but anyway after we joined others again, we somehow just acted like everything was okay and it was so nice and we had so much fun, but it was also sad bc i knew that we could never be just like friends again and idk.. in a way it was a good closure because i saw he hasn’t changed and i didn’t give him another chance idk..but im also sad because i now won’t be seeing him much anymore and ughhghh i also just really wish things would have ended differently…

my ex is posting pictures with his new girlfriend (actually she’s not his girlfriend but hes just acting like she is?? i mean idk what she is exactly but they have something it doesnt matter) on facebook and they are all over my news feed and i dont even really care, i mean im not jealous but at the same time idk like my ego is hurt..?? idk i mean i imagine all our mutual friends looking at the pictures and think how i must feel shit at the moment – even though i dont? and idk its like i spent almost a year trying sooo hard to make things work with us and going through so much shit and then she comes along and he’s all over her in a moment, and the thought of others being aware of that is shitty

(but tbh im not really buying their relationship, i mean i might just be in denial but he’s done this before and then he always came back to me, i mean not that i want him back but i still think that will happen eventually)

so today i had my english exam and my ex (who takes english with me) showed up for it like the last minute and he was super hungover and probably still slightly drunk and he was showing off about it?? like he had this giant water bottle and he kept like waving around with it and he just had to wear sunglasses because it was ‘too bright’ and he kept bragging how he had an awesome night and how he parties all the time and how he doesn’t give a shit about grades, thinking he’s so awesome, but honestly he looked sooooooo bad like honestly i’ve never seen him look so shit and the whole thing was so pathetic it was unbelievable and the entire time i just kept thinking “woahhh my standards used to be low”

so i guess you could say im improving with this whole moving-on thing??