Tag: personal

im so dumb i cant help myself but i still keep checking my phone all the time if he maybe messaged me or smth, especially on nights when i know he’s out i’m thinking maybe he’ll drunk call me or something and say he’s sorry, or anything at all and i know it won’t happen because he doesn’t care but i just keep waiting for it and its just so dumb and frustrating

MY ANXIETY IS DRIVING ME  CRAZY THESE PAST FEW DAYS LIKE HONESTLY I’M BEING COMPLETELY IRRATIONAL AND IDK HOW TO HELP IT

ive been basically hiding in my room for the past two days and i get this thing that i’m too anxious to check my phone/emails for some unknown stupid reason and i basically havent checked my phone in days & my flatmate just messaged me on fb asking if i can come talk to her WHICH IS A PERFECTLY FINE NORMAL MESSAGE LIKE WE DO THAT ALL THE TIME SHE’S LIKE ONE OF MY BEST FRIENDS and im pretending i didnt see it and im freaking out AND IDK WHY I DO THIS IM SO ANNOYED WITH MYSELF

The past two weeks I have really been working on improving how I’m feeling, I actually managed to eat and sleep more-or-less regularly for the first time after probably like 2 months and while there was still a bunch of responsibilities and things that I was ignoring I really thought it’s getting better. But then at the start of this week few things happened that literally made it all collapse and made it worse again and I’ve been trying to ignore it and tell myself I’m fine, but really I’ve spent the past week depressed, drunk and crying and super anxious to the point that I keep being tempted to self harm again. It was also my 20th birthday this week and I basically spent the whole night crying. This time I especially don’t understand why it got this bad again, because there was nothing that big or bad that triggered it, it was pretty much a minor thing. What makes it even worse is that my social life has been a big mess lately, which I don’t even care about that much, but it makes me feel a bit shittier anyway. Also my friends at uni, as much as they think I tell them ‘everything’ (like whats happening in my life and shit) I don’t feel like talking to them about this. However, they’ve all noticed I’ve been a big mess this last week, but they would attribute it to some minor things e.g. the fact that the guy I was seeing dumped me or shit like that, which are not really relevant and barely have anything to do with it, so while they try to be supportive and all they also tend to make jokes about how I’m being a mess (especially since I’ve spent the last week being a bit irrational and freaking out or just making things worse) or say things like “just get yourself together” and tend to be judgemental, but really they have no idea how I’m actually feeling which is just making me angry with them and feel worse.

i really like this slightly drunk picture of me, it looks like i’m up to something

this was a month ago it was a really good night, we went to a bar after where the guy i was seeing worked and i spent a bunch of money on drinks just so i had an excuse to keep going to the bar and talk to him what a waste of money, in retrospect

ok so you know my little relationship thats going on again with the guy in england? seems like it’s falling apart AGAIN, ive been in slovenia for 3 weeks so we haven’t seen each other and it seems like he’s changing his mind about us AGAIN and ugh…. why do this things always happen to me >.< i really put so much hope and effort into this and it could be so great and now it’s falling apart again and there’s nothing i can do

so as some of you know i started seeing again that guy at uni that i actually really like him and he seems to like me. we’re not ‘official’ or exclusive yet but it’s supposed to be going in that direction

anyway soon after we started seeing each other again i went back home for holidays and basically erm… i slept with my ex that i have been painfully in love with for 2 years now. he has put me through worst kind of bullshit in the past two years. last year i’ve really been through hell and he played a huge part in that and i’ve gotten much better since i went to england and didn’t have almost any contact with him and as i said, i actually started moving on, but the moment i’ve seen him all my feelings came back and as much as i hate to admit it, it was more or less perfect and made me really happy. whatever i have with this guy in england can’t even compare with me and my ex. the thing is, im supposed to see my ex again and i want to but even though i’m only here for another week and i’m thinking that there’s not even enough time for anything bad to happen and i just want to enjoy myself, i’m terrified that he would somehow manage to get me back in that horrible state from which i was recovering from for so long. i know that from what i wrote about him it seems ridiculous that i would go back to him and see him again, but for some reason i’m pretty irrational when it comes to him. 

at the same time, i haven’t spoken to the guy from england in over a week now and i know he’s not really the type of person to really message anyone ever, but i still feel like he should have and i’m becoming nervous what if he changed his mind about us. as much as i love my ex, i want move on and be with this new guy, but for some reason i’m unable to and im just sabotaging myself by going back to something that was really bad for me. 

and i know this sounds like a bunch of stupid relationship drama but it has been messing with my head and i feel horrible and i don’t know what to do.