im sorry i just had to let it out idek :/

as i’ve mentioned, since i’ve been back home from uni i got back with my ex with whom i had been in love with and on and off for 2 years before i moved to uk. getting back with him probably wasn’t the smartest or most rational idea but i was bored and tbh i dont really have feelings for him anymore but i thought i’d give it a go. however all my friends think i’m making a mistake because he did use to treat me like shit and even i am kind of hating myself for giving him another chance because he definitely doesn’t deserve it and i’m going back to someone who made me feel worse than anyone, but so far he’s been trying really hard and even though it’s not perfect, not to mention i still have issues with trusting him, it’s actually nice. but basically i’m just torn between whether it was right to give it another shot or not and i’ve decided so many times already that i’m gonna call it off and that its not worth it, but at the same time idk… i don’t want it to end. things between us have been now going on for so long (3 years almost) that it’s almost like a habit that i always go back to him and it just feels natural and we know each other so well and in a way he’s kinda my best friend, but i also know it’s not right nor good for me. but things have been going so well this far and idk… tbh i don’t want to end it and i know i should but it’s so nice seeing him actually putting in real effort for a change and caring about me but at the same time i’m terrified he’s gonna fuck me up really badly again and it literally makes me hate myself that i am willingly staying in this relationship but.. yeah. idk what was the point of this really but i just had to let it out, the more i think about it the more it makes me unhappy and leaves me confused about what i should/will do.