so as some of you know i started seeing again that guy at uni that i actually really like him and he seems to like me. we’re not ‘official’ or exclusive yet but it’s supposed to be going in that direction

anyway soon after we started seeing each other again i went back home for holidays and basically erm… i slept with my ex that i have been painfully in love with for 2 years now. he has put me through worst kind of bullshit in the past two years. last year i’ve really been through hell and he played a huge part in that and i’ve gotten much better since i went to england and didn’t have almost any contact with him and as i said, i actually started moving on, but the moment i’ve seen him all my feelings came back and as much as i hate to admit it, it was more or less perfect and made me really happy. whatever i have with this guy in england can’t even compare with me and my ex. the thing is, im supposed to see my ex again and i want to but even though i’m only here for another week and i’m thinking that there’s not even enough time for anything bad to happen and i just want to enjoy myself, i’m terrified that he would somehow manage to get me back in that horrible state from which i was recovering from for so long. i know that from what i wrote about him it seems ridiculous that i would go back to him and see him again, but for some reason i’m pretty irrational when it comes to him. 

at the same time, i haven’t spoken to the guy from england in over a week now and i know he’s not really the type of person to really message anyone ever, but i still feel like he should have and i’m becoming nervous what if he changed his mind about us. as much as i love my ex, i want move on and be with this new guy, but for some reason i’m unable to and im just sabotaging myself by going back to something that was really bad for me. 

and i know this sounds like a bunch of stupid relationship drama but it has been messing with my head and i feel horrible and i don’t know what to do.